Current mood:

anxious

musings on my mother.
I think one of my big fears in life is the thought that I'm going to become my mother, and while I know it's common among women, I can't help but feel guilty for thinking it. Would it be a bad thing? After all, my mom is a brilliant woman, hardworking, focused, and well-respected among her peers. She's often been cited by students as the best teacher they ever had. She taught and ran her own dance studio for years before I was born. She coached my cheerleading squad for four years in addition to teaching, and led us to a National Finalist finish. She finished a doctorate last year, and has been teaching college at Morehead State for about five years. She crochets, she sews, she writes fairly well, she can play the piano, and she's in the process of getting her pilot's license. My mother does it all, and never takes a moment to sit still.

And... she's crazy. She aspires to be perfect, and when she's not, all hell breaks loose. And possibly because of this, my mother is really not a very nice person. She's hot-tempered, often selfish, obsessive compulsive, unreasonable, antisocial, and rude. For every student she inspired, there were probably equal numbers who would spit in her face. Her moods vary wildly, from cold, angry, standoffish, to hyper, happy, and giddy. If she was ever diagnosed as bipolar, I wouldn't be surprised. She's accomplished a lot, but at a cost -- she has no friends of her own now, and I think she resents my father for having a social life aside apart from her. When something in her life goes wrong -- which inevitably happens, she lashes out at everyone in the family, even when deep down she knows it's completely unfounded. She never admits when she's wrong.

My sister is well on her way to becoming Christie Perry v2.0, complete with her patented hissy-fits, grand generalizations, and penchant for spending money. Their reactions to situations are often mirrors of each other, though both would deny it. The older Leslie gets, the more it becomes apparent, and it actually scares me a little. I used to think I was nothing like my mother, but I occasionally catch myself saying and doing things that could have come straight from her playbook. I overreact to minor snafus. I obsess -- possibly unhealthily -- about my weight, my appearance, my personality flaws, my failures. I lack basic social skills; I don't know how to hold a casual conversation with someone I don't know. I, too, feel like I have to be perfect at everything I do -- and when it doesn't happen, I'm crushed and depressed. Every time I find myself unintentionally mimicking her mannerisms, I have to stop, assess, then cease and desist the behavior.

Is this healthy? Do all girls experience this? Or am I doomed to become Christie Perry v3.0? It's not something I like to think about, because for all the amazing things my mother has accomplished, and despite the respect she's deservedly earned, I don't want to be like her.